Magnetic Personality

That thing that lies at the center of your personality, the core housing what you know as your identity, your self, the part of you that's remained unchanged and unchanging, is like a magnet. Connected to it, layer upon layer, rests a lifetime's accumulation of what you've come to know about yourself. The mass around the periphery a shifting representation of who you've been over time transformed through choices both of unconscious assumption and explicit decision.

In your better days of housekeeping, digging deeper, it can be the most difficult of tasks trying to identify what should be removed or replaced. Those things closest to the core so much harder to separate as they become nearly indistinguishable from that nucleus to which they are attached. Though, in truth, their location often is a matter not of their importance, but solely of the longevity over which you've allowed them to lay undisturbed.

Each and on...

If I could turn each moment to an hour, then
Each hour a full day may become.
Then days, a month's life each can be counted when
Those months, a year for each it would be won.

Thus, might I achieve the goal that's trumped the sage:
The years to flow on without end.
And yet, as these words spill out upon the page,
A second's passing still have I to bend.

Stop styling your substance

Remember:

   Actions speak louder than adverbs.
   "What" trumps "how" every time.

Stagnant Repose

If not this, what then am I to be?

Millenniums of evolution have granted our species the gift of choice, yet as individuals it seems...

We would choose the comfortable familiarity of days filled with suffering in the uncertain promise of a better life.

Never let your fear decide your fate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_H77Ledl_I

Momentary awakenings

So I dove into the deep end.
And years I spent treading water.
Believing somehow, it would alleviate my fear of the ocean.

Too much and not at all

I have a tendency to hold onto things for too long, especially as they relate to the opinions, feelings and sensibilities of others. Even when I bare neither intent nor responsibility, I catch myself dwelling on the most inconsequential of events. I believe that it stems from the duality of my characteristic self-consciousness coupled with a certain obliviousness for my surroundings of an interpersonal nature. Recent events  have born this out in a rather dramatic, if extreme example.

Apparently, I am capable of standing in the wake of a full on natural disaster, and yet, still be left wondering, "was it something I said?"

One sentence

In the midst of a stormy downpour, I stand frozen staring back through the soggy mist as rain steaks down my face like tears of regret for what could have been; and then, I remind myself, "it's only water".

Atmosphere

So often my mood rises and falls with the shining sun, then again with the moon and stars. Dusk and dawn, with their expansive beauty, just ease the transitions between skies of brightly lit optimism and those of infinite possibilities. I've never been a much for clouds.

Platstic ball-and-chain

Sitting, stopped at a green light in the midst of an unwanted morning rush. My brain stuck in neutral, I'm unable to engage no matter the force applied. The present is lost to me, fixed on some inconsequential mistake of the recent past. I misplaced my hat and gloves last night.

Z's

Silence slips sideways,
Soothing subtle subconscious simmerings,
Slowly sifting,
Softly shifting,
Sleep.

The Coming Avalanche

While generally considered cataclysmic, there are always preconditions leading up to the event--an over-accumulation of material both too heavy and unstable for the base to hold. Walls are built to contain it and, perhaps, they can be made to work. Mostly, they only exacerbate the problem; creating a condition of even greater pileup. Stresses build. Great effort is exerted in attempts to ignore the situation, but the cracks are clearly visible. Questions begin to grow about the solidity of the base itself. Will the whole thing simply come down? Could the wall itself be the problem? Might it have been better to just deal with each eroding storm as it fell? At this point, these questions appear merely rhetorical. And, here I am, reduced to the passive voice.

Unanswered

Cruising along at 66mph, rain-streaked letters on the rear window of a passing van, their intent obscured by the recent storm. An overactive imagination suggests that maybe they were in reverse--scrawled from the other side of the pane. Morbid thoughts of a desperate plea for help replace the frivolous image of "wash me" spelled in dust. Van speeds away; questions remain.

Is it prudence or cowardice that fails to give chase?

Just a tinge

I wouldn't so much call it humor, more like a slight edge of whimsy. Whatever the name, I prefer my writing to have a certain lightness to it. However, when life seems a bit too humorless, such writing becomes difficult. Writing, for me, is less a didactic pursuit than one of self-fulfillment. It provides some structure to my often circular thinking and helps convey things that my poor oratory skills render impossible. But, mostly, I write because I enjoy the process. I entertain myself with the idea that it's a reflection of a better self, one I can carefully craft to sound exactly as I wish. Of course, its nice to imagine I'm pondering deep thoughts, but really, its more important to simply be able to look back at what I've said and smile. When I've nothing happy to write about, at least, perhaps, I can find some amusement in how I've writ it.

The Perfect Paragraph

I've decided to focus on the paragraph. While I truly love the essay, how it forces structure on my internal musings and allows me to thrust them out in a seemingly organized fashion on my readers--imagined though they may be--it has become clear to me that this longer form of exposition, coupled with my obsessive nature, has become a barrier to my writing more regularly. Certainly, having just read that last, one could conclude that I still have much to learn about sentences and, perhaps, even taking on the paragraph is being a bit ambitious. I can't necessarily argue otherwise, but committing oneself to sit down and write a single sentence doesn't really cut it. So, the paragraph it is. I will endeavor to write at least one each day, whether it be here on this (mostly) ignored blog, over on my more popular (but still mostly unread) blog or in my private journal (which, of course, only I read).

Tyranny of care

“Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victim may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated, but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”–C.S. Lewis

On Habit

[Re-examined thoughts from an old journal entry]

I've been thinking about habit. How each instance exercising a good habit and makes further positive behavior that much easier to continue. Likewise, each instance of bad habit, or more specifically, each failure to exercise positive action makes it that much more difficult to take the proper action the next time the opportunity arises. This is more than just saying that each instance of positive or negative action adds to create a good or bad habit. There is a sort of multiplicative effect due to the psychological effect of taking a specific type of action.

Undertaking a positive action means working towards completing a task that will have a net-positive impact on your life. But, beyond just the ultimate end-goal (which may not be immediate), a positive action also enables an immediate sense of accomplishment by providing a chance to experience one's own self-efficacy. You feel capable. Not only will you likely want to continue that positive feeling, but the sense of personal competence actually makes it easier to continue taking goal-oriented actions. They seem less a chore and more a simple expression of your self.

Similarly, there is a somewhat insidious force at work on the other side of this equation. Each time you fail to take proper action--either doing something that is not in your best interest or allowing some distraction from one of your long-term goals--not only do you bring yourself no closer to an accomplishment, you also send yourself a subtle message. In essence you are saying that it is too difficult or you aren't capable. Psychologically, you make it easier to avoid taking proper actions in the future. You create a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy in that the positive action actually is more difficult the next time because you now also need to overcome the baggage you carry with you from not doing what you should have the time before.

Thus is the nature of habits and their acceleration both positive and negative. And, since it is always initially easier to not do something that to do it, bad habits are simpler to form than good.

Looking at a painting

Stand too close and all you see is patches of color, stand too far back and you can't see the details.

Extraordinary?

I never wanted to be ordinary. Why would I want to be extra-ordinary?

Heard "On a Clear Day"

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

- Chinese Proverb