Inching towards the precipice
It's not the cliff that frightens
Or the idea of falling.
It's neither plummet
Nor unknown below.
It's not even the thought
Of hitting rock bottom.
It's departing the current plateau
Piano Concerto #2
As soon as those famous first chords are struck, I am taken back...
Sitting in my condo, two cats at my side listening to classical music.
And now, nearly 23 years later, here I sit again.
The first movement resonates as it always stirred feelings of "longing" and "enduring."
However, that sense of hope I used to hear in the second seems just an echo right now.
The third, I'm not really quite sure where it takes me at this moment.
Sometimes it's seems too much. Of a good thing? Not sure. Perhaps simply so in tune (sorry) with those emotions bubbling just below the surface that, amplified by the waves of beautiful sound, they boil over and you find yourself sitting on the kitchen floor.
We all build our walls
To protect us from those things we find most hurtful
But walls are isolating constructs
Great imaginings may be conjured within their presumed security
So we push them ever further out around us
Yet the more they obscure, the less we perceive and the more that we fear
Until one day, the thought occurs that perhaps...
Grief is like an anchor that fixes you firmly in place.
If you are very "strong" you may continue along,
dragging it behind,
scarcely aware the damage it's doing.
Eventually, though, you will need to reel it in.
Of course, you can always attempt to simply "cut the line,"
Untether yourself and leave it behind.
But, the time will come when you realize that
The great weight held within that anchor will be needed again.
Time does not heal all wounds.
For some it does nothing at all.
Instead, they seem only to grow deeper.
They may scar over,
Masking their depth from other's view.
But, beneath the surface...
they continue digging, ever closer to the core.
I've long accepted that my mind will forever be restless, wandering...unstill. Yet, stagnation has always been my biggest nemesis, my greatest fear. To a mind in constant motion stagnation means running in circles. Action becomes its own focus, distracting from the fact that motion is not progress. Until, eventually, the reality dawns that I am no further along a path than from whence I started. Aware of this trap, I can, of course, direct my mental wanderings towards some meaningful journey. But, still, the question remains...
Will I ever follow them?
For twenty years, you were my constant companion, my confidant, my conscience: my best friend and more. Your light has gone out in this world and as it was so often the spark that inspired others to shine a bit brighter, the universe now seems a little more dim. May all those you touched find within your memory the motivation to reignite it and become what you always saw: "the best within us."