Too much and not at all

I have a tendency to hold onto things for too long, especially as they relate to the opinions, feelings and sensibilities of others. Even when I bare neither intent nor responsibility, I catch myself dwelling on the most inconsequential of events. I believe that it stems from the duality of my characteristic self-consciousness coupled with a certain obliviousness for my surroundings of an interpersonal nature. Recent events  have born this out in a rather dramatic, if extreme example.

Apparently, I am capable of standing in the wake of a full on natural disaster, and yet, still be left wondering, "was it something I said?"

One sentence

In the midst of a stormy downpour, I stand frozen staring back through the soggy mist as rain steaks down my face like tears of regret for what could have been; and then, I remind myself, "it's only water".

Atmosphere

So often my mood rises and falls with the shining sun, then again with the moon and stars. Dusk and dawn, with their expansive beauty, just ease the transitions between skies of brightly lit optimism and those of infinite possibilities. I've never been a much for clouds.

Platstic ball-and-chain

Sitting, stopped at a green light in the midst of an unwanted morning rush. My brain stuck in neutral, I'm unable to engage no matter the force applied. The present is lost to me, fixed on some inconsequential mistake of the recent past. I misplaced my hat and gloves last night.

Z's

Silence slips sideways,
Soothing subtle subconscious simmerings,
Slowly sifting,
Softly shifting,
Sleep.

The Coming Avalanche

While generally considered cataclysmic, there are always preconditions leading up to the event--an over-accumulation of material both too heavy and unstable for the base to hold. Walls are built to contain it and, perhaps, they can be made to work. Mostly, they only exacerbate the problem; creating a condition of even greater pileup. Stresses build. Great effort is exerted in attempts to ignore the situation, but the cracks are clearly visible. Questions begin to grow about the solidity of the base itself. Will the whole thing simply come down? Could the wall itself be the problem? Might it have been better to just deal with each eroding storm as it fell? At this point, these questions appear merely rhetorical. And, here I am, reduced to the passive voice.

Unanswered

Cruising along at 66mph, rain-streaked letters on the rear window of a passing van, their intent obscured by the recent storm. An overactive imagination suggests that maybe they were in reverse--scrawled from the other side of the pane. Morbid thoughts of a desperate plea for help replace the frivolous image of "wash me" spelled in dust. Van speeds away; questions remain.

Is it prudence or cowardice that fails to give chase?

Just a tinge

I wouldn't so much call it humor, more like a slight edge of whimsy. Whatever the name, I prefer my writing to have a certain lightness to it. However, when life seems a bit too humorless, such writing becomes difficult. Writing, for me, is less a didactic pursuit than one of self-fulfillment. It provides some structure to my often circular thinking and helps convey things that my poor oratory skills render impossible. But, mostly, I write because I enjoy the process. I entertain myself with the idea that it's a reflection of a better self, one I can carefully craft to sound exactly as I wish. Of course, its nice to imagine I'm pondering deep thoughts, but really, its more important to simply be able to look back at what I've said and smile. When I've nothing happy to write about, at least, perhaps, I can find some amusement in how I've writ it.

The Perfect Paragraph

I've decided to focus on the paragraph. While I truly love the essay, how it forces structure on my internal musings and allows me to thrust them out in a seemingly organized fashion on my readers--imagined though they may be--it has become clear to me that this longer form of exposition, coupled with my obsessive nature, has become a barrier to my writing more regularly. Certainly, having just read that last, one could conclude that I still have much to learn about sentences and, perhaps, even taking on the paragraph is being a bit ambitious. I can't necessarily argue otherwise, but committing oneself to sit down and write a single sentence doesn't really cut it. So, the paragraph it is. I will endeavor to write at least one each day, whether it be here on this (mostly) ignored blog, over on my more popular (but still mostly unread) blog or in my private journal (which, of course, only I read).

Tyranny of care

“Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victim may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated, but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”–C.S. Lewis

On Habit

[Re-examined thoughts from an old journal entry]

I've been thinking about habit. How each instance exercising a good habit and makes further positive behavior that much easier to continue. Likewise, each instance of bad habit, or more specifically, each failure to exercise positive action makes it that much more difficult to take the proper action the next time the opportunity arises. This is more than just saying that each instance of positive or negative action adds to create a good or bad habit. There is a sort of multiplicative effect due to the psychological effect of taking a specific type of action.

Undertaking a positive action means working towards completing a task that will have a net-positive impact on your life. But, beyond just the ultimate end-goal (which may not be immediate), a positive action also enables an immediate sense of accomplishment by providing a chance to experience one's own self-efficacy. You feel capable. Not only will you likely want to continue that positive feeling, but the sense of personal competence actually makes it easier to continue taking goal-oriented actions. They seem less a chore and more a simple expression of your self.

Similarly, there is a somewhat insidious force at work on the other side of this equation. Each time you fail to take proper action--either doing something that is not in your best interest or allowing some distraction from one of your long-term goals--not only do you bring yourself no closer to an accomplishment, you also send yourself a subtle message. In essence you are saying that it is too difficult or you aren't capable. Psychologically, you make it easier to avoid taking proper actions in the future. You create a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy in that the positive action actually is more difficult the next time because you now also need to overcome the baggage you carry with you from not doing what you should have the time before.

Thus is the nature of habits and their acceleration both positive and negative. And, since it is always initially easier to not do something that to do it, bad habits are simpler to form than good.

Looking at a painting

Stand too close and all you see is patches of color, stand too far back and you can't see the details.

Extraordinary?

I never wanted to be ordinary. Why would I want to be extra-ordinary?

Heard "On a Clear Day"

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

- Chinese Proverb

Who me?

You Are An INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. In love, you are an easy person to fall for. But not an easy person to stay in love with. Although you are quite flexible, you often come off as aloof or argumentative. At work, you are both a logical and creative thinker. You are great at solving problems. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor. How you see yourself: Creative, fair, and tough-minded When other people don't get you, they see you as: arrogant, cold, and robotic

What's Your Personality Type?

Living the dream

"It's not about how to achieve your dreams. It's about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."

-Randy Pausch

Bio book

An old friend recently contacted me. I could very well say "my old friend" as Kevin is really the only person I hung out with in High School that I maintained any sort of contact with beyond college. He currently writes the background for exhibits at the Natural History Museum in New York, but managed to get a job at the Exploratorium and will be moving back to the Bay Area. He is trying to get me to go to our 20th High School Reunion. I'm still balking at it a bit, but I did go to the online site and fill out the info for my "Bio Book". Here is the best I could do in the limited space given and the limited time I was willing to put in:

Occupation
Software Engineering
Family
Wife, Zane (Suzanne).
Two adopted kids, Jefferson 20, Frederick 15.
3 cats.
Interests
Travel, Trail running, Philosophy, Hiking, Reading, More travel
Biography
Obviously graduated high school. Went to UC Davis. Got a BS in CS. Moved to Silicon Valley and went to work in "the biz". Big company, small company, smaller company, startup, boom, bust, burnout, back to a big company. Currently, Director of Engineering at Sony Corporation.

Met my wife at a Philosophy study group (Ayn Rand). Became friends. Became more. She moved in. Long story made way too short, we ended up taking guardianship over two amazing boys. Life changed. Kids, house, honeymoon, SUV, marriage (yes, in that order).

One kid now in college, the other in high school. Still residing in the 'burbs. Striving to keep life as the ever-changing, always interesting, passionate, wild ride it ought to be.

Picture

Only in...

Enjoying a meal with old friends in a tiny, 4 table, Japanese-Italian restaurant. Brazilian Jazz plays in the background. A typhoon rages outside. We sample the unexpected flavor of edamame gelato.

After paying a bill that may require some people to join our meal on the expense report, we head outside to find that there is a lull in the storm. A gust of wind grabs Jason's umbrella and turns it inside out just as we decide to walk to the station. We joke about the hotel not being happy with how he has taken care of the borrowed "kasa".

As we walk up the street we see other white plastic umbrellas that have been similarly treated and discarded (or torn from hands). And then we see more. And more. Each more decimated than the last. We begin to laugh as the number of dead umbrella seems to increase the more we move up the hill. Then, we reach the top and look down a side street. All three of us burst into hysterics. Its a virtual massacre! Dozens of cheap umbrellas have fallen victim to the storm and lay to rest in a sort of urban umbrella cemetery.

...Japan

Recognition

Recognition seems to be a theme this week; whether the recognition of mental notes bubbling up from one’s sub-conscious or, in another’s situation, recognizing the ghosts of the past as they creep in to haunt the new life that he is only starting to be build. It’s not necessarily a case of past deeds left unfinished or the direct consequence of past actions, but simply the spirit of old behaviors and modes of being; allowing oneself to fall into certain situations, reacting in ways that bring about undesired responses or simply the collection of unchecked habits that seem to always lead one to places that end in the question “why me?” The “why” is in the recognition. Recognizing that the “bad luck” that seems to follow you around is influenced greatly by all the decisions that you make (many of them without much thought), is the first step in affecting real change in your situation. Without the recognition those past behaviors, patterns and premises will continue to haunt you; silently and subtly directing your actions and placing you into predicaments that you swear are exactly what you’ve trying to avoid.

That Left Behind

Travel was, at one time, quite routine. I tried to go about my packing and preparation with the casual ease that was once the hallmark of my every-other-month trips to Tokyo. However, it’s been a while and I definitely displayed a bit of my frantic side as I tried to gather up what I might need for the five day business trip. Five days is enough to require checked luggage in my book so the simple solution in terms of clothes and such is simply to over-pack in the large suitcase. As for my carry-on, I definitely didn’t have it all together. I remember the simple habit I had of moving certain things in and others out of my laptop case that I knew I would want during the 11 hour flight. This time I moved things in and out of my case, but it was often the same items as I tried to figure if I would need this or that. One item, a nice soft eye-mask, seemed to have me perplexed. I had purchased it sometime ago, but often forgot to bring it on my trips. It’s a little bulky and so it is easy to convince oneself to keep it out in favor of other items. I went back and forth on this one for some reason. Not really having a reason, actually. In the end, I left it out even though there was plenty of room. I’m not sure what the point was, it was purchased for a reason and that was to use on long flights where I might want to sleep. But there we had it. It was out.

Of course, it should come as no surprise to those versed in the school of irony that it was the one item that I wanted once I was up in the air and ready for a nap. This is a long story telling really very much of nothing. I could probably spend too much idle time wondering why I ultimately decided not to put keep it in my carry on. However, the more interesting question is why I happened to remember it in the first place before struggling over whether or not to include it. I’ve left it so many times in the past, why remember it this time? Something about no longer having a routine seems to have triggered something within me to signal that it might be important. My sub-conscious mind was trying to give me some important information. Yes, I usually forgot this bit of travel gear in the past, but inevitably I always desired it once I was on the plane. Some time in the past I had tucked away a bit of information to remind myself to bring this on my trips even though I always forgot it due to habit. Now, devoid of habit, the reminder left behind in my sub-conscious was doing its job and I…I basically ignored it.

The point of all this, as with all such reflections, is to ask myself “what is learned?” The obvious lesson is simply to try and listen better to the messages that my sub-conscious may be trying to tell me. I like to think of the sub-conscious as a sort of mental warehouse, a storage place where unfinished thoughts and random ideas take their place along side standing orders and reminders to, hopefully, be recalled at a time in the future when some trigger, intentional or otherwise, brings them to the surface. There is probably as much to think about the process by which mental contents are placed into and stored in the sub-conscious mind as there is about how one might better proceed with pulling things out when they are needed. However, one thing is certain, no matter how much influence you are able to obtain over the process, it is all for not if you fail to take heed when an important tidbit comes bubbling up from your sub-conscious. In the end, the point is not so much that I should have brought the eye-mask or even that I should have recalled the past times I had wanted it. The really important lesson is that I should have noticed the hint, the half formed thought, that feeling of questioning coming from the back of my mind. Even if I could not recognize it for what it was, a long forgotten reminder, I should not have simply ignored it.

The mental exercise that I must now give myself is to always stop or at least pause to ask what it might be that my sub-conscious mind is trying to tell me when such inclinations arise. Recognizing that this task itself is a sub-conscious reminder as well, I will simply leave it at that; hoping that having thought it and now writ it will be the start of a process that does not simply leave behind thoughts and ideas to gather dust in the depth of my mind. Perhaps this is another interpretation of what it means to always “be mindful.”